my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
