i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
