my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
