How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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