How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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