I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
being pregnant is like rehab
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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