I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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