theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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