i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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