I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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