Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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