Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
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