Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
