Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
