to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
