His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize