I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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