Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize