I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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