Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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