I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
