My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
