Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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