if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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