I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
