Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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