Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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