dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
