So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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