I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
