you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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