my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
