you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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