He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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