dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Sober January is a disaster.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
