Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
