Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
