Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
