The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
