No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
