9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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