broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
