I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
