Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
