I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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