Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
