I hate all girls vehemently.
Barsexuality is the new black.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Randomize
