why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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