Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
