This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
