I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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