we have officially lost it.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize