just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize