I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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