the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
