Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
