I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i think my cat just said my name.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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