thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
