matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
