he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
