Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
