drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
