then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
