So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
