his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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