i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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