when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
