i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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