I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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