I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
